I don't feel all that feminine.

[hebinekohime]

I wish people would get that gender isn't just A or B or one wanting to be the other or exactly in between. If you're a perfect example of that, then fine, but not everyone is.

Yeah, I'm a biological male questioning "his" gender. But if there's a Unified Field Of Gender-Queerness, I have yet to find it. HAI GUYS. My gender is made up of all these bits and pieces that have stuck to me over time, and it may not be all that simple to make them work together! Yay!

I have sexual identity issues. Not-male+likes girls = lesbian to my mind. I don't want to relate to an SO as an "other"... I'd prefer a relationship with someone of similar gender orientation as myself, just female. But that's still physically straight, and that feels... full of fail to me. I'd call myself a transdyke, but I don't feel trans. I don't have an overwhelming compunction to be female-bodied. I'd prefer to be, because it might align my orientation better with how the rest of the world sees me. But otherwise, nah. Put me on a desert island and I have no outstanding issues with my body. If anything, I'm too fucking indifferent about my body's gender to bother changing it. It's there, it's part of me, but the meanings attached to it aren't me.

Which brings me to 'femininity', and why it bugs the hell out of me at times.

I don't feel like a feminine straight male. I feel fierce, tomboyish, punk. I want to kick ass, but not if it comes with associations with or assumptions of maleness. And likewise I want to reject maleness, but not if I have to put on the mask of "feminine". ...Wait, huh?

And under layers of insecurity and reservation and hormones, all the baggage that comes with being a nerdy male twentysomething, I'm exuberant and giddy and basically about twelve years old. And people who've seen it say that I don't read as a boy. I might make a great masculine or androgynous girl someday, if my real self is allowed out enough to grow into it.

It's just frustrating to me, because I can't perform maleness and I can't perform femininity. And with a boy's body that I'm not transitioning, I'm having a hard time seeing other options.

Comments

[From: evolvedcucumber]

I want to thank you for making this post public. I am going to join the community as soon as I finish this comment.

I understand exactly how you feel about feeling apathetic towards your body. I am female-bodied, but I'm a guy. And I am a guy who likes to wear jewelry, and is afraid of bugs, and sucks at anything technical, so I'm not a stereotypical guy. But I'm a veteran of the US Army, and I'm not afraid to get pissed and kick ass, if necessary. I don't particularly want to have to choose, but in the binary world, I choose guy before girl.

You are a beautiful person. Screw anyone who can't see it. And thanks again.

--Kai

[From: http://www.google.com/profiles/anastasia.salter]

Would you mind if we included this post in Hackgender (http://www.hackgender.org) with a link to your journal? We've been collecting several different perspectives on breaking the masculine/feminine binary and would love to have yours. Thanks!

[From: hebinekohime]

Having seen the caliber of many of the posts on Hackgender, I'm flattered. But I'm not ready to commit myself to any of this post yet; it's more thinking out loud than anything else. ^^; But I will keep an eye on that discussion!

Hack gender, yes. Gatekeep and police gender, no.

[From: hebinekohime]

In retrospect, while I'm still interested in your site, I'm not comfortable with this being among the essays, and I think you should know that.

Statements like this: There is seemingly a split between the body and the perceived gender identity. It's a split that, honestly, I find fairly disturbing. And this: If young butches were forced to wait for 2 years before they could have surgery, would they still decide to go ahead with it? have nothing to do with "hacking gender" at all. They are reactionary, biologically essentialist, paternalistic, and yes, transphobic.

Such "perspectives" may be OK in a personal blog, as a rant solely intended to express one's preference/bias ("I like curry, I don't like tomatoes"). But it isn't OK when it's proscriptive. It isn't OK on a website intended for public consumption, and certainly not one which aims to "further the discussion of gender". I don't just disagree with it, I find it actively harmful. It's just not very well thought out, and it mars a collection of otherwise smart and sensitive writing.

Re: Hack gender, yes. Gatekeep and police gender, no.

[From: http://www.google.com/profiles/anastasia.salter]

I completely understand your position: when we did the initial call, we had to decide in what ways we would moderate content, and we opted for a completely open dialog. No contributions were censored, even when they offended the collectors or had problematic statements.

After considering your feedback, I have relocated that piece to the personal reflections section to indicate that it is not an essay but a piece from a personal blog. However, it is our policy not to start removing or rejecting work--it would be too easy to become a place with a unified voice instead of diversity. I appreciate your thoughts and feedback, and I respect your decision not to be involved with the project.