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I don't feel all that feminine.
Dec. 1st, 2009 03:44 pm![[personal profile]](http://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hebinekohimeI wish people would get that gender isn't just A or B or one wanting to be the other or exactly in between. If you're a perfect example of that, then fine, but not everyone is.
Yeah, I'm a biological male questioning "his" gender. But if there's a Unified Field Of Gender-Queerness, I have yet to find it. HAI GUYS. My gender is made up of all these bits and pieces that have stuck to me over time, and it may not be all that simple to make them work together! Yay!
I have sexual identity issues. Not-male+likes girls = lesbian to my mind. I don't want to relate to an SO as an "other"... I'd prefer a relationship with someone of similar gender orientation as myself, just female. But that's still physically straight, and that feels... full of fail to me. I'd call myself a transdyke, but I don't feel trans. I don't have an overwhelming compunction to be female-bodied. I'd prefer to be, because it might align my orientation better with how the rest of the world sees me. But otherwise, nah. Put me on a desert island and I have no outstanding issues with my body. If anything, I'm too fucking indifferent about my body's gender to bother changing it. It's there, it's part of me, but the meanings attached to it aren't me.
Which brings me to 'femininity', and why it bugs the hell out of me at times.
I don't feel like a feminine straight male. I feel fierce, tomboyish, punk. I want to kick ass, but not if it comes with associations with or assumptions of maleness. And likewise I want to reject maleness, but not if I have to put on the mask of "feminine". ...Wait, huh?
And under layers of insecurity and reservation and hormones, all the baggage that comes with being a nerdy male twentysomething, I'm exuberant and giddy and basically about twelve years old. And people who've seen it say that I don't read as a boy. I might make a great masculine or androgynous girl someday, if my real self is allowed out enough to grow into it.
It's just frustrating to me, because I can't perform maleness and I can't perform femininity. And with a boy's body that I'm not transitioning, I'm having a hard time seeing other options.
Yeah, I'm a biological male questioning "his" gender. But if there's a Unified Field Of Gender-Queerness, I have yet to find it. HAI GUYS. My gender is made up of all these bits and pieces that have stuck to me over time, and it may not be all that simple to make them work together! Yay!
I have sexual identity issues. Not-male+likes girls = lesbian to my mind. I don't want to relate to an SO as an "other"... I'd prefer a relationship with someone of similar gender orientation as myself, just female. But that's still physically straight, and that feels... full of fail to me. I'd call myself a transdyke, but I don't feel trans. I don't have an overwhelming compunction to be female-bodied. I'd prefer to be, because it might align my orientation better with how the rest of the world sees me. But otherwise, nah. Put me on a desert island and I have no outstanding issues with my body. If anything, I'm too fucking indifferent about my body's gender to bother changing it. It's there, it's part of me, but the meanings attached to it aren't me.
Which brings me to 'femininity', and why it bugs the hell out of me at times.
I don't feel like a feminine straight male. I feel fierce, tomboyish, punk. I want to kick ass, but not if it comes with associations with or assumptions of maleness. And likewise I want to reject maleness, but not if I have to put on the mask of "feminine". ...Wait, huh?
And under layers of insecurity and reservation and hormones, all the baggage that comes with being a nerdy male twentysomething, I'm exuberant and giddy and basically about twelve years old. And people who've seen it say that I don't read as a boy. I might make a great masculine or androgynous girl someday, if my real self is allowed out enough to grow into it.
It's just frustrating to me, because I can't perform maleness and I can't perform femininity. And with a boy's body that I'm not transitioning, I'm having a hard time seeing other options.
